Movie report: Superman III


Movie report: Superman III

Realizing that there was a gap in my education, I watched Superman III (1983!). Sigh. I wonder if they actually had a meeting to decide they wanted to take the most powerful being on the planet and reduce him to tepid leftovers, or if it just kind of happened spontaneously.

Some random thoughts (because it doesn't deserve an essay):

* Kryptonite: Sorry to be a kryptonite nerd, but green kryptonite doesn't work that way. Green kryptonite hurts or possibly kills Superman. It doesn't split him into nice Superman and ass-hat Superman. Red kryptonite *might* do that, but it might also turn him into a lizard.

* Romance with Lana Lang: Okay, this was sweet, for Clark to rediscover a woman from before he was Superman. But, my gosh, he makes no progress whatsoever, even though she's giving him a green light the size of Kansas. If he has constraints on whether he can fall in love, you have to let us know, Mr. Director! Otherwise, what the heck is he doing spending time with her if he's not going to take the next step?

* Nice Superman vs. ass-hat Superman: Okay, 10 points for anticipating Hancock. And maybe this puts to rest some of the forum discussions of whether it's even possible for Superman to be bad. But, wow, what a terrible ass-hat he is! With all his powers, the worst he can think to do is sit in a saloon getting slightly drunk and flicking bar peanuts into the wall? Why not drop-kick trains into the Grand Canyon? Why not see how many Metropolis skyscrapers you can smash through flying in a straight line? Why not see how far down to the earth's core your heat vision can penetrate? (Yeah, you don't want to be giving me super powers.) Ass-hat Superman is dull!

* Computer crime: This was in the post-Hal, pre-Skynet era, and it's always fun to see a supercomputer get out of control and take over the world. But even this was dull. Points for making a hacker the main person doing bad things. And, of course, this is the setup for Office Space.

* Richard Pryor: Okay, he was fairly funny, as a guy who happens to be really good at getting computers to do what he wants, in the hands of folks who want to conquer the world. But he's in the wrong movie. It's like watching Hamlet talk to Groucho Marx. Now, I'm not saying that superhero movies can't be funny. I know that, these days, you only get Culture Points if you dwell on the pathos and the dark side of a superhero. But being a superhero would have to involve a lot of funny, ironic situations. If you want to have humor in a superhero movie, that's how to do it, not with an injected comedian.

* Super-breath: They were in love with this power in the movie. Superman uses it to: freeze a lake that he drops on a burning chemical plant, make a bowling ball get a strike, and clean up an oil spill.

* Non-super enemies: Somehow, it seems like a waste to have Superman deal with ordinary criminals. In a universe where Superman exists, there must be many superpowered criminals drooling over the earth. Bring it!

* Weather satellites: No, they don't *change* the weather. They don't. Seizing control of one is like seizing control of a barometer. No threat whatsoever.

* Minimal Lois Lane: Major plus. In only the few seconds she was on-screen at the beginning and end, my nerves were grated on.

* Lana's young son: This kid was straight from the "Timmy fell down the well" stereotype. Which is sad, because kids love Superman. Why have a kid who's only a victim, if that? Why not have a kid who takes one look and blurts, "Hey, aren’t you Clark Kent?" That would make things interesting.

* Smallville lout: I never really got whether this guy was Lana's ex-husband, or just some random moron hitting on her. Q: Why doesn't Clark twist his spine into a pretzel? I would have thought that one of the perks of being Superman was that, in the kind of real-world situation where it's an ordinary person vs. a violent jerk, and the ordinary person has to carefully back down, Superman wouldn't have to. He cannot be harmed by anything this guy does. Even if he doesn't want to reveal the entire awesome range of his powers, he can at least stand his ground. Then when the creep is out of Lana's sight, fly him to Antarctica or something.

* Final battle with evil computer: Oh, no, it has a kryptonite ray that hurts Superman whenever he gets near it! Two words: ranged attack. Superman can use heat vision to gut it from a mile away. Or flick bar peanuts at it. Or use his super breath! He doesn't have to punch it.

* Lorelai Ambrosia: She is the squeaky-voiced bleach-blonde bimbo, roughly the equivalent of Miss Teschmacher in the first movie, and apparently the mistress of the bad guy, although there's no evidence of anything lascivious. The thing is, she was not a bimbo. She was reading Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, and musing on some refutations of his arguments. She understood the complex technical talk about the computer at the end. In short, she was more than she seemed, and they totally wasted her presence. Wouldn't it be great for the alleged bimbo to turn out to be the real menace? How would Superman handle that? But noooo.

* Christopher Reeve: He really is the perfect Superman. I miss him.

Comments

Anonymous said…
i think you hit every point
what the heck was the director thinking?
Richard Pryor didn't fit,hated the green kryptonite,but Iliked the Lana Lang angle
May 30, 2012 at 9:53 AM
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